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Debbie
| | Posted on Tuesday, July 12, 2005 - 07:05 pm: | 
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Surely somebody has something funny to say. C'mon - go ahead. |
Debbie
| | Posted on Friday, July 15, 2005 - 11:09 am: |
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The conflict in Iraq will soon be over. The latest deployment to defeat
the Iraqi insurgents is to send in a team of Alabama Special Forces.
Billy Bob, Butch, Bubba, Boo Boo, Scooter, Slick, Tex and Cooter are
being sent along with their 1998 Ford four wheel drive pickup trucks and
hunting gear. They have been given only the following information about
the enemy:
1. There is no bag limit
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste like chicken.
4. They don't like women, beer, pickup trucks,
country music, barbecue or Jesus.
5. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.
It should be over in about a week. |
Dave L
| | Posted on Friday, December 16, 2005 - 06:14 pm: |
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How he got to go fishing
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation takes place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room
in our house next weekend!"
Second guy: "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I will build hera new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish, when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, "You haven't said anything about what you
had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge, and said, "Fishing or sex?" and she said, "Wear sun
block." |
Dave L
| | Posted on Friday, February 10, 2006 - 09:04 am: |
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Uses For Vaseline!
A market researcher came to a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his questions, and when she agreed he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline, and she certainly knew of that product.
When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes."
When asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse."
The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone who uses our product always tell me they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out." |
Dave L
| | Posted on Thursday, March 23, 2006 - 12:41 pm: |
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Subject: Birth Control
There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.
There were two city gals and one farm gal.
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.
Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use.
Her answer was, the rhythm method.
That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.
He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills she said.
Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, the pail and saucer, method.
After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.
Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong.
She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.
He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.
He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.
She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.
Girls Night Out
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives (Debbie & Lynn perhaps?), however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk & walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!”
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said: “From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.” |
Debbie
| | Posted on Monday, July 17, 2006 - 07:02 pm: |
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Oxymorons...
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive in the parkway and park in the driveway? |
Debbie
| | Posted on Monday, July 17, 2006 - 10:11 pm: |
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female Comebacks!
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing |
Debbie
| | Posted on Tuesday, July 18, 2006 - 07:01 am: |
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I had to delete yet another post from those gambling site bastards. I changed another setting to try to prevent it, so we'll see how that works. |
Mrdebbie
Major Member
Username: Mrdebbie
Post Number: 1
Registered: 09-2006
| | Posted on Saturday, September 23, 2006 - 03:44 pm: |
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Here's something funny. Yes, of course its really me - you think someone could cut and paste this well? |
Cherie O.
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Sunday, September 24, 2006 - 03:10 pm: |
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I bet his member is really major! |
Debbie
Board Administrator
Username: Debbie
Post Number: 21
Registered: 02-2004
| | Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 09:11 pm: |
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She will say anything you type.
When you move the mouse around, her eyes follow the pointer. When
you type
something in the left space and then click on "Say it," she says it!
You can also change persons doing the talking and the language they
speak.
http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tts/frameset.php?frame1=talk |
DaveL
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Sunday, February 04, 2007 - 10:03 pm: |
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These are G-rated, pretty clean for me, but you should laugh anyway!
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
the little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
_________________________
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
__________________________
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat
our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
__________________________
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's
Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
________________
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
___________
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples |
DaveL
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Sunday, February 04, 2007 - 10:12 pm: |
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TELL THIS ONE TO YOUR FAVORITE NORWEGIAN!!
Ole and Sven were having a holiday at the beach in Australia on vacation, but they couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls.
So they asked the local lifeguard for some advice. "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard.
"You're wearing them old, baggy Minnesota-style swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.
They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following day, they hit the beach with their spanking new tight Speedos and their fist-sized potatoes.
Everybody on the beach wa s disgusted as they walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing...looking sick!
So they went back to the lifeguard again and Sven asked him "Vat's wrong now? We still aren't picking up babes."
"JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard. "The potato goes in front! |
DaveL
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Monday, June 18, 2007 - 10:33 pm: |
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An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask their rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on the desired event."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man, and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help, and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay," he says to the husband, "Let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly :
"You see that, you schmuck ? THAT'S how you wave a towel !" |
DaveL
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Thursday, July 12, 2007 - 09:24 pm: |
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax, sit down and rest for a few minutes, and then...." He sighed........
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box...... |
DaveL
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Thursday, July 12, 2007 - 09:29 pm: |
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THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, a West Virginia couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could
fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative,"
said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal
in West Virginia) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to
your ear and count to 10." The West Virginian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count...
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Georgia, Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana,
Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, Alabama, and Pennsylvania. |
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Humor & Fun